|"Diogenes, Won't You Please Go Home?"|
|Season 1, Episode 31|
|Gilligan has a diary-everyone else has their own versions of how the Japanese sailor was defeated on the Island! Only who is telling the truth?|
|Air Date:||May 1, 1965|
|Written By:||David P. Harmon|
|Directed By:||Christian Nyby|
|Guest Cast:||Vito Scotti as the Japanese Sailor|
|Forget Me Not||Physical Fatness|
Diogenes, Won't You Please Go Home? is the 31st episode of the First Season. It first aired May 1, 1965.
In their hut, the Skipper notices Gilligan taking something out from under a plant and locking it in a cabinet. Curious as to what he's hiding, he waits until Gilligan is asleep to check it out, but Gilligan isn't really asleep and even tells him how to unlock the cabinet which is now empty. Gilligan suggests what was once in there is now elsewhere. Eventually, everyone wants to know what Gilligan is hiding, and when the Skipper finds Gilligan reaching into a hollow tree, he thinks he's caught him, but Gilligan confesses he's just stealing honey from bees, which now attack the Skipper sitting on their nest. Meanwhile, everyone wonders what Gilligan is hiding. Ginger thinks it's black pearl, the Skipper thinks it's some sort of jewel and Mr. Howell thinks it's an eight-year-old bottle of Scotch, but it's the Professor who discovers what it is. As Gilligan tells him people have been popping out of nowhere, including Mary Ann hiding in a closet, he confesses that he's just been keeping a diary of the events on the island even though he can't remember where he hid it last, even though it's just in his back pocket. Meanwhile, the Skipper, Ginger and Mr. Howell are wondering what Gilligan has been writing about them. The Skipper tries talking about it as they fish, and Ginger tries romancing him for a peek. Mr. Howell even offers to publish it, but Gilligan gets so tired of being pestered over it that he tosses it into the lagoon as everyone watches. Mrs. Howell later finds Gilligan playing with the bayonet left behind by the Japanese Sailor, thinking he's about to kill himself. She also explains the others were only upset with him for not being able to tell the truth. When Gilligan discovers the Skipper writing his own diary, he learns that in the Skipper's version of events that the Skipper used superhuman strength to save the girls by letting a live grenade explode in his hands and crushing the sailor's machine gun in his hands. Mr. Howell also writes a version in his journal by tunneling out of his cage and then using a whip to throw the sailor into the lagoon. Ginger even writes a version where she uses her training as a spy to beat up the sailor and save him and the others. By the following day, Mary Ann finds Gilligan's diary having floated back to the island. She reads his glowing descriptions of the Skipper, Ginger and Mr. Howell who all react very humbled. When Gilligan turns up in camp, they all treat him with renewed respect and later that night burn their diary pages. When Gilligan tries burning something, they rush to stop him, but he reveals he's just getting rid of his copy of "A Boy Scout's Guide to New Jersey." When asked about his diary, Gilligan reveals he hid it very good, even he can't recall where he hid it. When he turns around, it turns out it's in his back pocket.
- "We all have a tendency to view ourselves in a favorable light."
- Vito Scotti returns as the Japanese Sailor.
- Bob Denver as Gilligan
- Alan Hale, Jr. as The Skipper
- Jim Backus as Mr. Howell
- Natalie Schafer as Mrs. Howell
- Tina Louise as Ginger
- Dawn Wells as Mary Ann
- Russell Johnson as The Professor
- This is the second of two episodes to feature the Japanese Sailor character, played by Vito Scotti, who would go on to play Dr. Boris Balinkoff in the series.
- This is one of the few episodes in the series to pick up on earlier events in the series.
- Gilligan mentions this episode occurs in November, suggesting that the Castaways have been on the island longer than this episode in the series.
- In the close-ups of Gilligan's diary, it has writing on its cover reading, "Dear Diary." The writing is missing from the cover he tosses into the lagoon.
- Mary Ann recovers Gilligan's diary when it washes back up, yet the writing seemingly remains legible for her to read it.
- In his diary, Gilligan confesses to having a crush on Ginger, evident in her playing his wife or girlfriend in dream sequences.
- Gilligan - "I wanna talk to the others long enough to find out why they're mad at me."
Mrs. Howell - "Oh that. Thurston explained that to me all last night."
Gilligan - "What did he say?"
Mrs. Howell - "Well, it has something to do with your diary. How did he put it? That nasty habit you have of always telling the truth."
Gilligan - "All I did was write down what happened. I didn't make anything up."
Mrs. Howell - "That's probably why it's the truth."
- Gilligan - "I bet you wouldn't be mad at me because of my diary; I wrote that I think of you as my mother."
Mrs. Howell - "Oh, Gilligan, that's sweet of you, but I don't think I'll mention it to Thurston."
Gilligan - "Why not?"
Mrs. Howell - "Well, I have an idea he wouldn't like to be considered your father."
- Gilligan - "Are you a bird watcher?"
Ginger - "I was looking for a bird."
Gilligan - "Me too. Today I saw a turquoise-browed mott-mott and a European poo-poo."
Ginger - "It must have been fun."
Gilligan - "What kind are you looking for?"
Ginger - "Baltimore oriole."
Gilligan - "That's a baseball player."
Ginger - "Yeah."
- Gilligan - "I call it Dear Diary."
Professor - "And you've been keeping it hidden?"
Gilligan - "I hid it real good."
Professor - "Are you sure?"
Gilligan - "I'm positive, because I forgot where I hid it."
- Japanese Sailor - "I now give you famous Japanese water torture."
Gilligan - "I thought it was Chinese water torture."
Japanese Sailor - "They copied it from Japan!"